Have you ever asked yourself, “Why do people end up marrying jerks?” I’m talking about the situation where a person has married someone who is totally undeserving of the other, someone who treats the other person disrespectfully, or is in no way an equal. It happens. Marry in haste and repent in leisure, goes the old aphorism.
No, I’m not talking about someone who is beautiful or handsome who marries a person who would never win a beauty pageant! That’s not the issue. Beauty is as beauty does. Character and integrity are valuable qualities which go beyond external appearance.
I’m thinking of the man who marries an alcoholic who can’t or won’t stop drinking, or the girl who marries a boyfriend who abuses her physically or emotionally. I’m thinking of the kind of a situation where kindness and love are only met with abuse and scorn. Individuals such as these marry, thinking that all of this will change after they are married. True—those kinds of marriages should never happen, but they do happen. And situations develop which are extremely difficult to cope with.
Sometimes people marry on the spur of the moment, not realistically assessing the character or the background of the other person. Sometimes people marry thinking, “That other person will change!” While it’s true that research has demonstrated love is a powerful factor that motivates a person to change his behavior, but it’s also true that people end up being losers when they think the other will change after they get married. Only God’s Holy Spirit working in our lives can change behavior. At other times, people marry beneath themselves because their self-image is so poor they think they don’t deserve anything better. And, of course, some marry poorly thinking that they may never have another chance.
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness. 2 Corinthians 6:14
Regardless of why people marry, the fact remains that marriage doesn’t change people; it only brings out more of whatever is inside. Allow me to put it the way that I have often done when I counsel a couple before marriage. I tell them, “As now, so then but more so!” And what does that mean?
“As now”: how things are before you marry.
“So then”: that’s how they’ll be after you get married.
“But more so”: whatever a person is like now, he or she will only be more of that, no matter what it is. I’m thinking of the young woman who was engaged to be married. Wistfully she said, “I wish we could pray together, but my fiancée doesn’t like to pray out loud.” Marriage doesn’t change that.
If a person very reluctantly goes to church before marriage, he will go more reluctantly, if at all, afterwards. If a person treats another with disrespect or abuse prior to a marriage, after the wedding bells stop ringing, abuses will increase.
Of course, this works both ways. When a person is loving or kind before marriage, he or she will show only more of that kindness and care afterwards. Real love brings out the very best in the one who shows care and thoughtfulness before marriage.
What can you do to avoid marrying a jerk? Realistically assess what you see now—not what you hope to see later. Look at the family of the one you are thinking of marrying and ask, “Would I like to be treated as his dad treats his mother?” Realize heredity is a powerful force and it is not negated by romance or marriage. Finally, take your time, friend. Ask God to show you clearly what to do. He will.
Resource reading: Colossians 3:5-14
